I have been working around the house today catching up on cleaning and chores.
As I worked, I prayed and I pondered about our next step in this series of Deep Healing and how to share enough and not too much and generally word it so you can apply it to your circumstances; yet honestly and transparently so that you know it’s from my heart based on my own experiences.
One of my tasks for the to do list was to call the provider for our internet.
When we moved here we found out we have one choice for that and to put it mildly, they simply do not have a great reputation for service, support, pricing, communication…etc etc etc.
It is the company we left many years ago for those very reasons and evidently they continue to embrace this method of business practice.
Making a long story short, we have made multiple calls and been told a variety of different things. Even though we have clearly stated on every call what we got out of the conversation; and each time, the person on the other end affirmed that indeed we had…
Not happening that way after all.
And I can get as mad and offended as humanly possible and vent the unfairness to the next customer service rep I get, but basically he or she will cheerily apologize for my inconvenience and either do nothing or make matters worse.
Because the truth is.
The rep and the company Do. Not. Care.
And that’s the crux of the start of our series.
The kind of deep wounding we have been talking about is the kind that comes from someone who let us down, or bailed out on us, or sold us out and they really don’t care.
If they cared, there would be a measure of healing at the start of the pain.
We could understand if someone was bothered by the fact that their choices and actions completely changed the trajectory of our life.
But when we are wounded by someone who was supposed to be on our side and now that one has basically said with words or actions…to us or to someone we cherish…
Your pain because of my decisions does not matter.
You aren’t worth it to me to work this out.
Even as I type that I feel the stab in my chest.
At those times our first response to God might be to tell Him how unfair all of this is.
How we, or our people, do not deserve to be so unloved and disregarded.
For me this step is a process that can take a while and comes with a mixed bag of emotions that can include anger, depression, despair, bitterness and a deep wounding to my spirit that makes me withdraw into myself.
On a constant loop.
I don’t want to talk to anyone human because to voice what has been done makes it real
Personally, I don’t think this is a bad response unless I turn to any kind of substance to numb pain or allow myself to simply wallow in this season with only my own thoughts and solutions.
To turn to God in this initial shock is the only way to begin the process of healing.
Because it is in these times that God meets the full vent of my emotional roller coaster and speaks words of TRUTH.
So here are some things that I have gained in this process…not all the things…and certainly they are based on my experiences and personality and wiring and faith journey…but I pray in sharing that you will perhaps gain a different perspective on your own pain or that of someone you care about.
<3 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes, but fear the Lord and turn from evil and thus receive healing for your body and refreshment for your soul. Proverbs 2:5-9 my paraphrase
Sometimes/often it seems as if God, Himself is the one who bailed on me. Since I believe He is Sovereign and able to do anything…why couldn’t He make it work out or kept me from going into the situation to begin with. As I vent, I find that I have to acknowledge that I am holding some of those wild emotions towards the God I love and who died for me and I have to come to terms with it.
Oswald Chambers refers to these times as when God will appear like an unkind friend.
It is in these times that I find I am so thankful I drew a line in the sand of my life at some point and said….no matter what…You are good and You are kind. You are my God and I will trust You even if I NEVER understand what happened and why.
Burying myself in His Word instead of my grief reminds me of who He is and when the waves overtake me, it is by faith that I say what I know until I can feel it again.
<3 It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn your decrees. Psalm 119:71 NLT
After about the zillionth time that I tell God how we didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and I get absolutely no divine pat on the back and affirmation that, by golly, we are too darn good to experience pain…I start to get quiet.
In the silence I realize what I am actually saying to the God of the Universe who, by the way, sent His sinless Son to the Cross on my sorry behalf.
Then I start getting really quiet.
It’s an uncomfortable place as I start to recognize the sin of pride and entitlement that are rather pervasive in little ways that I had not noticed before.
A driver cuts me off and I feel a surge of rage because I was obeying traffic laws and this crazy guy just about clipped my bumper.
I get overlooked as I wait in line for an appointment or to pick up an order.
I have to come back tomorrow because the post office closed two minutes ago and my clock says it’s straight 4 PM
I have to return a box to the internet office because the girl that arranged our wireless charges assumed I wanted TV too..
You get the idea.
“I don’t deserve to be treated like this.”
That’s a hard one when you are in the midst of grief and sorrow at the hand of someone.
And if your toes hurt right now, just remember … mine have been stomped on mightily.
<3 He was despised and rejected…a man of sorrows acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way. He was despised and we did not care. Isaiah 53:3 NLT
Here is the richest treasure, my friend.
When I go to the Cross, I realize that my own “righteousness” is non-existent.
Any good I thought I did that should have bought me insurance against pain is suddenly exposed for what it is. Maybe a nice effort…but my motives even on my best days are tainted with self.
In the midst of my sorrow and pain, when I finally acknowledge that the other party made a choice and it wasn’t for me and mine but for something or someone else…I acknowledge the rejection and realize..wow..this is just a small sample of what Christ felt.
As I am humbled…the sin of my own selfish ways revealed, I can move from the foot of the Cross to the arms of my Lord.
It is then that I begin take those tears and despair, the depression and anger, the pain and shame, the fear of how the future will play out now and the questions about the truth of the past now that it is darkened by my new normal and I can finally move right up to His own wounded side.
I hold up the shattered pieces of my own heart, and in prayer, the hearts of those I love and I begin to truly release them into that nail-scarred hand.
And I can cry with Him and rest in Him and lean on Him as I have never done before.
His suffering and my suffering blended now and this is the start of where He can work the deep healing I so desperately need.
It’s a journey, my friend…one we share with Him.
This is the hardest one I will post in this half of the series…most likely….maybe not…we shall see…<3
Go put some ice on those bruised toes…pray for what He might be saying to you…sit down next to your Savior and let Him minister to you….and I will see you back here on Monday.