If you didn’t know us back in 2003, we gained the care of my mom, dad and aunt in one fell swoop.
My mom had completely collapsed from caring for dad, who was deep into Alzheimer, and my aunt, who was deep into dementia.
There is a difference.
We learned a lot…but today’s little lesson is about how we need to deal with our emotional JUNK…
because we can stuff it down for years but let me tell you…
when the brain does a nosedive…
all the issues we thought we “dealt with” surface.
And the shrapnel ….
hits the innocent and it isn’t pretty.
One of the recurring stories my aunt shared with us could most likely be quoted verbatim by our children to this day.
It involved an incident that had happened some forty years prior in which my mom and dad were driving away from the curb in front of my grandma’s house.
Apparently my mother was wearing a fur stole purchased by her husband. As the car pulled away, she turned slightly toward the house and waved over the shoulder of this luxurious garment.
And that moment was etched in my dear aunt’s mind as the epitome of my mother’s spoiled and selfish ways.
Now please hear me…both my aunt and my mom were godly women who loved the Lord and had plenty of both strengths and shortcomings to accompany what their walk looked like.
They also loved each other deeply and there was great evidence of kindness extended on both sides.
But that incident had dug a little pit in my aunt…
my aunt who had remained home to care for aging parents while my mom married and had children…
my aunt who, in her right mind, knew that both mom and she had walked through their fair share of ups and downs on the path life took them…
my aunt who, in reality, would have chosen her life over mom’s in a heartbeat…
carried that pain with her all through the years from the afternoon that her baby sister drove off with a wave and left her feeling left out.
As our children could all tell you, the story ended each time with Lizzie shaking her head and saying with great disgust….”Your mom. She HAS to be FIRST!”
So this morning as I went to write a lengthy lament in my journal about some hurt feelings I am experiencing, imagine my surprise at what poured from my pen.
As I documented my “feelings” to the Lord on paper about a recurring struggle I have, I asked Him to help me sort through the levels.
I wish He answered all my prayers this quickly and efficiently…because my very next thought was this…
“Probably the root of all of this is my own insecurity and need to be #1”.
Hence the title of today’s post…
So from there my journaling moved to a dismissal of all the venting I had planned to do, and we dealt with those two issues in ME.
As far as insecurity:
I am Your child. Not Your only child – but Your only child like me. You made me unique and You called me out of darkness. You fill me with Your Spirit to be Your hands and feet right where I am … with Your voice…to reach those You send my way today. You do this for everyone who loves You and is called according to Your purpose.
As far as the felt need to be #1:
You are #1. No one else can have that spot. Not me. Not anyone. When I put myself or anyone else as even remotely TRYING to be #1, I am practicing idolatry which is a hateful thing to You.
And then I do believe the Lord laughed with Joy as my eyes fell on the pages of the Bible I had randomly opened next to my notebook…
James 4…with the Italicized heading…
Pride promotes strife
followed by a section entitled…
Humility cures worldliness
If you think God doesn’t have a sense of humor to go along with His grace, you really need to spend more time with Him.
So this morning I am so thankful for the One who made me … knows me…called me…to walk so intimately and patiently WITH me as I….along with all of YOU…yes, as we…
Journey Onward <3
Laura, I soooo love all of your writings. Carol
Thank you Carol. I truly appreciate your words of encouragement! It helps to get these little surprise notes. I think sometimes how marvelous of God to use this as a means to encourage someone who I would not otherwise cross paths with during the day!! He is so kind to allow us to be His vessels! <3
Laura, you are such a kindred spirit and your writing resonates a familiar tone. Double that ouch for me. He is humbling me now through physical restraints, which are really the result of temple abuse. Too much, too fast, too little time….constant stress has taken it’s toll. My heart is so with you.
Thank you Jan. I am constantly in awe of God that He can use these thoughts of such a one as me and touch people where they are. But He says we are jars of clay…that His light can shine through us. While it is all for Him, I do so appreciate the responses that let me know it matters out there in the busy world of the internet! Surely understand those seasons of being sidelined so we can rest in HIM! Bless you dear one and will keep you in my prayers!
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